In the year 2000 I experienced a spiritual awakening, a life changing experience. I share it in the hope that it may be helpful and provide insights to others who may experience their own spiritual awakening.
One day in February 2000 while at home I took a break from working at my computer. While resting, I began to think about prayer. For me, God existed as a creative force, the master creator. I had not considered that a personal relationship with God was possible. Still, I had a desire to pray in a meaningful way and to experience deeper spirituality. I asked no one in particular how to pray, how to have a personal relationship with God and a conversation with God if that was even possible. The music was on and that moment the song The Prayer began playing. The song described how to pray. I was very surprised at first and then deeply moved to tears. It was an immediate answer to my question.
The next night I had a dream. I was somewhere that I did not recognize. It was a room that had no definition where everything was opaque. Across the room there was another individual I recognized as Jesus. His eyes focused on mine in such a compelling way that I could not have looked away even if I wanted to. He spoke in a quiet, gentle, and yet the most powerful voice I have ever heard. He said, “Come to me” and repeated “Come to me.” I felt that his gaze was intense as though it was locked on me. I could not have looked away, even if I wanted to. I was not frightened in the least and began walking toward him. The best way to describe his vibes was love. Then the dream ended.
The next night I had a second dream, in the same room and Jesus was there again. I was standing behind him as he walked toward a door. He turned back toward me and said, “Follow me." "Follow me.” I did so and the dream ended.
Two nights later there was a third dream, and this time Jesus was standing across the room, at a door. He opened and held it open. He was looking at me, as if waiting for me to decide what I wished to do. At no time did I feel fearful or that I had to do anything. I knew he was holding open the door for me. I walked to the door and stood before it. All I could see beyond it was opaque. I looked across the threshold and saw that there was nowhere to step. I remember thinking that I could fall so I did not step across the threshold. Then the dream ended. After that and for years later, I wondered what that third dream meant. What if I had walked through that door? Was it symbolic and if so, of what?
The next morning, I was wondering about the dreams as I drove to aerobics class. They had been very vivid and life-like, etched in my mind and felt like real experiences. To this day, I remember very clearly every detail, nothing has faded. What did those dreams mean? That morning, as I came to a stop at the end of the freeway ramp, I saw a church across the street. On its roof was a large banner that read: “Open the Door Wide to Christ.” Amazing. This reminded me of last night’s dream although Jesus had opened the door for me. I thought I might be going crazy. As I pulled up to the intersection, the license plate of the car directly in front of me came into view. It read: “BELIEVE.”
That day I decided to trust my instincts. I went to the local bookstore and to the section that contained books on spirituality. I remember trying to decide out how I could possibly choose from among so many inspirational books.
I picked up a book entitled "A Portrait of Jesus" by Joseph Girzone which was about Jesus as a person and what his human life might have been like. Since it was Jesus in my dreams, I thought that might be a good selection. Twice I picked up and put back down a second book entitled “Conversations with God, an uncommon dialog, Book 1.” I wasn't too sure about this one which purported to convey the actual words of God as related to Neale Donald Walsch. Then I looked at the words on the back of the cover and knew I was meant to have that book. The words resonated deeply and touched my soul.
As I turned toward the check out stand, I almost walked into a rack of greeting cards. Directly in front of me was an amazing card. It had a picture of an open door and beyond it a beautiful garden. I bought the book and the card. (Years later I would recall that the picture on the card was the same place, while in meditation, that I would see God standing outside that gate. He would reach out to me, and I would take his hand. We would step through the gate and into the garden. Sometimes Jeshua was also there.)
I began reading the Conversations book and could not put it down. I had studied Aristotle and some of the other deep philosophical thinkers but had never read such profound concepts communicated with such clarity and simplicity. I believed that God was communicating to us in contemporary terms.
After this awakening I was in a wonderful state. I didn’t understand why it had happened except that I had asked for a meaningful way to pray and if possible, converse with God. Then Jesus came to me in response in three dreams. The meaning of the third dream and my choice not to step past the door haunted me. Now, years later, I believe I have greater insight. Perhaps the object of that dream was not about stepping through the door; rather, it was that Jesus opened the door to my spirituality and Christ consciousness. The choice to step into that state of being was mine.
Throughout the weeks that followed I experienced everything from the heart and from love. Much to my amazement, there were times when I thought of something, it occurred right there and then. It was a most wonderful way of being. It was, I now believe, living in a heart based state.
During the time that I was reading the Conversations books I experienced something else. While reading I began to hear a voice. It would occur after I had read a sentence or a paragraph. The voice was quiet and came through clearly. I assumed I was mentally processing the material. After a time, I realized that I didn’t think that fast nor was I that smart. I was taking in broad metaphysical concepts and immediately was asked very insightful questions. This continued throughout the reading of the books. I began to think that maybe the voice was that of God, as unbelievable as it seemed. I liked the possibility of that idea but was confused because I had never experienced a voice in my head.
One day, as I was reading the book, I sensed the presence of others. I asked about that and was told that there were others and they wished to be present. I asked who they were and was told that they were teachers and were from far away. I asked what they wanted with me and was told they wanted to learn about emotion. I said that would be okay with me. What I sensed was that they were beings with expansive consciousness. I sensed tremendous intelligence and that they were very powerful but controlled, as Jesus had been.
During the next couple of weeks there were subsequent discussions. Each time, they asked if they could be present. I felt very respected by them. They listened intently and were very focused. There were questions such as: “Speak to us of emotion” or “How did you feel about that?” I explained emotion as best as I could. Every night I would be awakened by a gentle vibration on my arm and there would be questions. My sense was that they wanted me to talk about my life and the role emotion played in it.
During the discussions with them I went through an entire life review. Everything. I explained my experiences and how I felt about them both good and bad. It was very worthwhile and brought great insights. At no time did I feel the beings were in any way judgmental. After several weeks they thanked me and I sensed that they were leaving.
I continued to hear the small voice that I believed was God’s. It was a wonderful way to live. However, a month later something traumatic happened. It was a very painful spiritual experience. I was utterly confused and hurt that what had been so incredibly wonderful began to cause tremendous pain. The spiritual voice and presence I had heard while reading the Conversations books was replaced by a controlling and sometimes ridiculing voice. What had happened to that loving presence that I experienced previously? I went through the next month in a confused state. I decided that I could no longer cope with that state of mind and shut the whole thing off. I told whoever or whatever to leave. This was very sad, I felt so alone spiritually.
It took months before I could return to any thoughts of connecting with God or the spiritual realm. I didn’t know if the cruel, demanding voice was actually my egoic self or a lower vibrational entity. Trying to discern what that voice was after so much happiness remained in my mind for a long time. For a while, I was inclined to believe it was my egoic self. I read everything I could to learn more about what had turned my life upside down. Then I came upon readings about entities on the astral level who could enter a human’s energy field and inflict negativity. It seemed that might have been the case with me, maybe with some ego influence thrown in. The cruel voice was very strong, stronger it seemed, than my mind. Eventually I learned to ask the angels to surround and protect me.
Because of the negative experience, I lost spiritual trust and innocence, and experienced fear and doubt. I didn’t know how to discern accurately between spiritual messages and those from elsewhere.
Eventually I opened myself up to the spiritual realm. Jeshua was always there for me when I wished to connect. Once again, I began to hear the quiet, gentle voice. I felt that I had begun to move forward in my spiritual development.